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| Pretty much the TL;DR version of this post |
For as long as I can remember, I have been a bookworm. When I was younger, that was one of my descriptions, my introduction. "This is Leigha, she's ___ years old. She loves to read..." It's a part of my personality that I've never questioned. It's who I am. And, I have a sweet tooth; I love junk food. It's fast, easy, and it's very, very enjoyable.
At first, it doesn't seem like those two things are very connected, but they are to me. Within those two aspects of who I am, lie two - really, one - of my greatest struggles.
I don't trust God. I'm addicted to easy and enjoyable. My physical taste buds love unhealthy, sweet food. My spiritual taste buds love fantasy and novels. More and more recently, God has been showing me the sin of my addiction. At first I didn't listen, but this Sunday at church, he spoke to my heart.
God showed me my fear. I'm afraid to give up such an integral part of my personality. God showed me the truth. I love my stories more than I love him. God showed me his presence. He showed me how he can fix my problem. Today in church, God told me several things, through my prayer and the things the people around me said. I wish I had written them all down, but I only caught a few of the wonderful revelations God gave me.
1. He's not asking me to lose a part of my personality, only to use it in a way that honors him more. My love of fantasy is an idol I need to die to so I can live for Christ. It's me treasuring a paper crown with painted jewels, when He's offering me the wealth of a kingdom. Instead of honoring my novels with my life, I need to honor him, and truly learn the worth of the story He authored. (See featured post)
2. God put my desire of fantasy into my heart as a part of His Plan for me to find satisfaction in Him. Whenever we desire something, it shows a lack of fulfillment. I searched for fulfillment in fiction, and thought I had found satisfaction in my enjoyment. But it's possible to enjoy something and still not be satisfied in or with it. Instead of looking to more stories, I need to look to Him for satisfaction, and use my desires the way He intended them: to lead me to seek His presence. He is a good, good Father, and he desires to fulfill my desires - with himself. My new plan is to ask God each and every morning to fulfill my desires in Him, and show me His worth.
3. My greatest weakness is closely related to my greatest strength in Christ. God made my personality, and he included a love for literature on purpose. That part of my personality has gotten twisted in the wrong direction, but God can still fix it. Instead of fighting weakness alone, I can rely on God to right the wrong, to turn it into something beautiful to glorify Him. I can love His literature, and hopefully, use that love to glorify Him and spread his word.
4. I can't appreciate God more on my own, only God's spirit working in me can. He can give me more than I can ask or imagine, so I should ask that he would.
5. God hides things, not so we can't find them, but so that we can, and gain something precious in the process. Right now, God's true worth is hidden from me. It grieves me. Maybe it's a lack of trust that keeps me from seeing it. Perhaps it's that I'm stuck in sin: seeing books as more worthy than Him. Maybe it's something else. But I am seeking it out, asking for strength, asking for repentance, asking for trust, and asking for His Spirit. And in the hunt, God has shown me many things, and given me hope and faith that he is indeed working in my soul. And soon and very soon I'm going to see the Lord, and the wait and the process is going to be gloriously worth it.
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| One of my most beloved verses is Philippians 1:6. |
